Like It or Not
by TheOneYouCallWe
Summary: You can call me a sinner, or you can call me a saint; celebrate me for who I am, dislike like me for what I ain't. Implicit LuciferxSam, eventual CastielxDean. Rated M for a reason.


Like It or Not

Summary: You can call me a sinner, or you can call me a saint; celebrate me for who I am, dislike like me for what I ain't. Implicit LuciferxSam, eventual CastielxDean.

Ramblings: _I'll be the garden, you be the snake, all of my fruit is yours to take; better the devil that you know, your love for me will grow because…_

Notes: Broing!Dean, dancinglikeadirtywhore!Lucifer.

Notes2: I DON'T FUCKING KNOW, OKAY?

Notes3: JESUS CHRIST, I WROTE PRON. _VOLUNTARILY._ WAT.

Notes4: Lawl. It's old, about 2 months or so. YES, I CONSIDER THAT OLD. MY WRITING HAS CHANGED A LOT SINCE MAY. D8

* * *

_This is who I am_

_ You can like it or not_

_ You can love me or leave me_

_ Cause I'm never gonna stop_

-Like It or Not, Madonna

Sam swore as he was tossed against the wall, as feverish kisses and hickeys were laid down his neck. He groaned into the man's(?) shoulder, hand clutching and gripping into the matted dirty blonde hair. The shorter man mumbled blindly into his neck; Sam flushed at the feeling and gripped tighter. In the background, he vaguely registered some pop playing, thinking about the irony in its lyrics—but all thought cut out when Lucifer squeezed him tightly.

"You know there's no coming back from this," Lucifer sucked at his ear, biting and licking and kissing at it, till it was red and wet from the attention. Sam shuddered into Lucifer's sideburns, just breathing in and out, attempting to gain some semblance of sanity—sanity which was quickly erased when Lucifer began stroking him in slow, rhythmic patterns.

He laughed breathlessly. "It's not exactly a fair bargain when you're about to give me a handjob."

Lucifer smirked into the corner of his true vessel's lips. "Since when was life fair?" More kissing and biting, and slow, circular thumbing across him. Sam felt himself go weak at the knees temporarily, his weight suddenly held up by the scrawny blonde vessel (as if he was really surprised by Lucifer's strength).

Sam snickered. Abruptly he grabbed at Lucifer' hips, bringing them to align tightly with his as best as possible, no space between them, and soaking up Lucifer's strained groan. "You're a right bastard."

"I believe that's," light grinding, "rather redun—red—fuck it, you know what I mean." Lucifer gave up, snarling, and pushed Sam violently into the wall. He gripped the sides of his to-be vessel's hair, and growled into his ear. "Turn around."

Sam never protested.

_**ooooooo**_

"…and that's how we hooked up." Sam avoided his brother's—and his brother's angel's—terrified gawping, poking at his overdone fried egg. Lucifer, to his credit, was equally avoiding the pairs' shocked eyes, simply doodling idly on a napkin using ink coming from his fingertip.

It was an angel thing.

Across from the…"couple" (using the term lightly), Dean's green eyes were as wide as, well, eggs, his soggen**1.** oatmeal dripping down his chin. His mouth was wide open, and horror present in his expression. Beside him, Castiel stared, his brain apparently having difficulty comprehending Sam's explicit explanation of his and Lucifer's "relationship."

None of them noticed the diner's deafening silence—or the fact that several patrons had mild nosebleeds beginning.

Lucifer coughed mildly, breaking the fragile silence. Rapidly the diner was filled with quiet sounds of eating, ordering, and napkin-dabbing—although Dean was still dribbling oatmeal. Sam glanced pointedly at Castiel, attempting to signal to him about the mess Dean was making.

And for once in his bizarre life, Castiel actually understood it. He nodded barely, and turned to Dean; he closed Dean's jaw with a finger, restraining a grin at his human's following embarrassed blush. Dean cleared his throat, dabbing at the oatmeal that had dribbled—and wasn't _that_ just all kinds of sexual innuendo?—still avoiding looking any of them in the eye.

That is, until something occurred to him.

"So that means…that the hot blonde that I was hitting on was really…Lucifer?"

Practiced shame came over Sam's face; again he avoided his brother's probing gaze. "Yeah, about that…"

_**ooooooo**_

"…so the real problem is the creep is picky—only goes for blondes. And Cas can't help us much with that," Dean squeezed his friend's shoulder, attempting to comfort the falling angel out of his temporary shame, "so we may need to…outsource."

"Outsource _how?"_

Shrug. "I dunno, use your pretty-boy charms to get a small blonde thing to do it for us?"

"…you want me to get a _total stranger_ and _pimp her out?"_

"…basically, yeah."

Sam stared horrified for a few seconds, before giving in to his brother's complete insanity. "Why do I listen to you…" he mumbled as he dragged his hand down his face, wandering off into the crowd, and ignored Dean's shout of "because you love me so much, bro!" He idly traversed the edge of the crowd, already hating himself for it. He knew that it would be easy to coax the girl into going into the owner's back room—the power of a pleasing face and giant stature—but it still didn't ease his conscience.

He sighed, gripping at the bridge of his nose tightly, fighting off an impending headache.

"Hey Sam! I think I found someone who can help us!" Dean yelled excitedly; Sam avoided turning to look at him, not wanting to see Dean's disturbing delight or the girl's love-lorn expression. However, there was really no choice when Dean stomped harshly on his foot. "Alright, alright…" he glanced over at the girl, and froze instantly.

"Um…Dean, what is this?"

"What's what?"

Couldn't Dean see it? In Dean's grip, instead of a shy petite blonde, was Lucifer's vessel, grinning like the goddamn Cheshire Cat. Sam stared hard at his older brother; Dean shifted nervously, unnerved by his brother's probing gaze. "What's up, Sam? You're freaking me out."

"You _really_ see nothing wrong with this?"

"Well it's not like we have a fucking choice! Besides, she said it's cool!"

"What the hell do you mean, _'she'?"_ He started, but shut up quickly when the Devil glanced at him dangerously. Lucifer gave a small, almost-charming smile, and waved four of his fingers in a mild teasing, almost suggestive manner. Couldn't Dean see this was Lucifer, Satan, Prince of Fucking _Darkness?_

Lucifer rested one finger on the top of his lip in a silent shushing manner.

Oh Hell. Dean _couldn't. _Sam drew in a shaky breath, resigned. "Let's just…get this over with." He turned away from the pair, deeply alarmed at the sound of Dean _flirting_ with the _Devil. _'Thanks for doing this, sweetheart; I'll make it worth your while;' 'oh I'm sure you will, handsome.'

God his life sucked so much.

_**ooooooo**_

"I _knew_ there was something weird! You couldn't look at her the entire time!" Dean shouted, hand slamming onto the cheap linoleum; Castiel glared at him and yanked him back into his seat. "There are other patrons, Dean."

"Yeah, sorry about that…"

Sam's head made a solid _thunk_ as it connected was the table. "I couldn't exactly tell you."

"Well, why not?"

"Because you probably would've died! Or shot him! Or worse!"

"What could be worse than that?"

"Causing a riot and the bastards escaping!"

Dean shut up at that. "Fine, I guess you win this round," he scowled angrily, "but I still wish I'd've known."

Sam just groaned miserably.

_**ooooooo**_

"…brother."

"Ah, Castiel. Come to visit, have you?" Lucifer grinned cockily, his weight supported by one hand leaning on the Impala. He was the perfect image of relaxation, one leg bent in an upside-down V, his other arm resting on it. Castiel rolled his eyes, not buying Lucifer's laid-back attitude for a second.

Castiel sighed, grumbled, and still avoided the Devil's eyes. "I have come to ask for…advice."

"Oh?"

Another scowl. "Don't act like you don't know."

Lucifer pled innocent, his big blue eyes large and shining. "No I don't, brother—care to explain?"

Now Castiel was outright grimacing, as if he was having a limb cut off or a rapid, instant Fall. "Fine, since you're a bastard anyways—"

"Castiel! I wasn't aware you _blasphemed."_

_ "—anyways,_ I'll ask outright…."

_**ooooooo**_

"…he asked you about it, didn't he."

"Your telepathy astounds me, Samuel." Sam snorted derisively; Lucifer slowly wound his arms around Sam's middle from behind, their fingers entwining gradually. "Did you give him any advice?" Sam mumbled softly, running his thumb over the Devil's shell's fingers, ever-curious about how it could possibly house such an intense being.

"I did."

Sam smiled. "Good boy."

"Only for you, Sam. Only for you."

_**ooooooo**_

"…so you want to know how I seduced Sam, do you?"

Castiel grit his teeth; this was for Dean, for _Dean!_ "Yes, I do."

"And for what purpose?" Lucifer's grin was so wide his canines could be seen, resting just over his lower lip (Nick had elongated canines). There was a dangerous, evil, _cruel_ glint in his eyes that set the hackles on the back of Jimmy's neck up—which Castiel quelled in an attempt to gain some kind of footholding. "That's not for you to know, _brother,"_ Castiel growled.

Lucifer cocked his head to the side, remarkably similar to Castiel's own habit. Hs eyes were studious, analyzing the other angel's expression for clues—or possibly reading his mind, Castiel had no idea.

"Ah, I see now." Again Castiel crushed his feelings of unease. "You want to know in order to do the same to _Michael's"_ Lucifer snarled darkly at the name, "vessel." His fingers tapped on the hood of the Impala (Dean didn't know he was there, obviously), thinking. "You desire the human."

"You're one to talk." Castiel spat; Lucifer just smiled. "Very well. I will help you, brother. Perhaps I can get something out of this for myself—like some damn privacy," Lucifer grunted under his breath, and ignored the younger angel's smirk. He huffed, propelling himself off of the Impala; Castiel winced at the sound of Lucifer's jeans scraping on the hood. Someone was going to get a thorough beat-down…

"Now, first lesson."

_**ooooooo**_

…dude…Lucifer could _dance._

Sam stared slack-jawed, watching the blonde twist his hips and move and writhe. He knew that the rest of the world was unimpressed—so a blonde girl could dance, so what?—but seeing Lucifer's original vessel, not the blonde bombshell illusion, dancing like a steady clubber? _Dirty_ dancing? _To Madonna?_

That was just…all kinds of awkward. He felt his cheeks flush, and swallowed around the sudden lump in his throat. Unfortunately, he was shoved forwards, coming nose to nose with the Devil himself. Lucifer raised an eyebrow and smirked, motioning to the other blonde on the stage to take a break. He turned back to the gigantic youth, grinning evilly. He quickly kneeled on the lit-up stage—the fucking dæmonic patron they were hunting had a _stripper stage_ in his VIP room—in front of Sam. He placed his hands on Sam's shoulders, bringing them so close they were breathing the same air.

"How nice to see you, Sam."

"…leave me alone, Lucifer."

"Hm. I think…not. After all, you need my help, right?" He grinned at the sounds of the other dæmons' hoots and catcalls, combing his spidery hand through Sam's now-matted hair. "And you don't want poor Dean to discover there's something _off,_ do you?" Both glanced at the tipsy hunter, who was cheering his younger brother on. "Who knows what might _happen…"_

"You're a bastard, you know that?"

A soft laugh. "So I've been told. Now back up a bit, I need more room."

"For _what?"_

A roll of the eyes. "For the lap-dance, of course."

"Th-the _what?"_

_**ooooooo**_

"You looked like you were having fun." Dean leered at Sam, nudging him with his elbow. Sam nodded nervously, avoiding looking in either of his companion's eyes. "Well hell, if you liked her so much, maybe you can get some more time with her after—"

_**"No!"**_Sam yelped loudly, and cringed immediately. Dean squinted curiously, and Castiel just stared blankly, his regular "what the hell is wrong with these humans?" expression in place. "I-I mean, just…I've just got this hunt on my mind, and no time to think about…that…stuff."

Dean continued squinting for a few seconds more, but shrugged it off. "Alright, bro, whatever. You don't want a little piece of ass, I'll take it for—" he cut himself off when a sudden overwhelming chill overcame him. Freaked out, his gaze shifted nervously. "…you know what, let's just get this over with. C'mon, Cas." Castiel nodded and followed, his hard gaze slowly letting up as did the chill.

"…bunch of girls, I swear."

"Indeed." Lucifer appeared directly behind Sam, who fought back his hunter's instincts to "shoot first, ask later." "They really should just kiss already; it's traumatizing seeing all those…_emotions,"_ Lucifer intoned the word as if it was the bane of his existence, "at play. You humans." He sighed and shook his head; suddenly he rested a hand on Sam's neck, transferring his thoughts directly into Sam's brain.

_'They're mostly low-level dæmons, but there is a strong one in there—he will require some serious effort. Possibly serious enough to be forcibly exorcised, Samuel.'_

_ 'Why are you telling me this?'_

Lucifer mentally shrugged. _'Because I do not want you to die.'_

Sam had no response.

_** ooooooo**_

"Good thing you knew to attack that dæmon first, Sam, or we'd be toast, or you'd have to…you know," Dean mumbled awkwardly, avoiding voicing his thoughts of Sam's old blood addiction. Sam nodded stiffly, ribcage still smarting from a solid high-heeled kick, courtesy of a pissed-off dæmon.

He'd never fight a girl again. They fought _dirty._

"Hey, Sam." Dean nudged him, whispering; he motioned his head to the right, in the direction of their pretty blonde helper, Lucy. He grinned cheekily at her, waving. She grinned back cattily, but focused her gaze onto the taller of the two; Dean sighed dejectedly. "She's really got the hots for you, bro. At least give her a kiss or two." Not taking 'no,' for an answer, he rapidly ran off, clutching Castiel's hand in his own; he shouted "see you back at the motel!" laughing as well, leaving Sam to glare furiously as the Impala sped away.

Lucifer zapped into existence directly beside him, as angels were wont to do. However, after so many months—or was it actually a year now?—of traveling with Castiel, Sam's alarm was very subdued. The two stood side-by-side; Sam, glaring off into the distance hatefully, and Lucifer doing…whatever it is the Devil does.

"…your brother is under the impression that we are having sex."

"…I realize that."

His gaze shifted to the human, studying carefully. "Do you wish to?"

"…fuck it. Sure, why the hell not."

Lucifer's grin could break light bulbs it was so vivid.

_**ooooooo**_

"…and that's how you win him over."

Castiel gaped, shocked, at the Devil. Did Lucifer honestly expect him to win over Dean like that? Strip-teasing? _Telepathy?_ _**Saving his ass?**_ Sensing his brother's alarm, Lucifer held up a hand, stemming all of Castiel's alarmed thoughts. "Now, that is how I won over Samuel—you, on the hand, are in a different situation. Dean is more…obtuse," he worded carefully, "than my Samuel. If you asked him to fornicate, how would not believe you were serious—in his mind, angels _cannot_ fornicate."

"But he knows that you and Sam have intercourse."

Lucifer waved it off. "To him, I am not an angel—instead, I am merely the ultimate dæmon or something like that. In his mind, I am no longer an archangel. But he still considers you an angel—"

"I _am_ an angel."

"—and therefore asexual."

Castiel's nose scrunched up in concentration. "Then what am I to do?"

Here Lucifer's Cheshire grin returned full-force. "Easy. Blow that thinking to kingdom come."

"What?"

"…nevermind."

_**ooooooo**_

Castiel grimaced agitatedly; he ran his hand through his hair, a human habit he had recently picked up. "Remember Castiel, it's for Dean…" he encouraged, then sighed again, facepalming. "So embarrassing…" he huffed out an aggravated sigh, resolute.

"Alright, so the first thing to do is…"

_**ooooooo**_

Dean had walked in on some embarrassing/awkward situations, but an angel getting off? _That_ was a new one. His forehead exhaustedly connected with said angel's, sweat sticking together between them. He huffed in amusement, kissing Castiel sloppily, lazily.

"You're a sneaky bastard, you know that Cas?"

Castel glanced confusedly up at him. "Dean, I'll have you know my Father is omnipotent; it is difficult for God to require a mate, let alone have sex with one." He grimaced at the idea, shuddering. Dean snorted lightly, kissing the angel's cheek barely. "So where'd you get this idea, anyways?"

"…what idea?" Castiel asked shiftily, pointedly avoiding Dean's gaze, and completely failing at lying.

Dean squinted. "…you're awful at lying, Cas."

A sigh. "So I've been told. It's rather difficult to anyways, as I am still technically an angel—"

"And angels _never_ lie."

Castiel smiled lightly, kissing at his human mate's lips barely. "You're catching on, Dean."

Dean mumbled halfheartedly into the angel's bruised lips. "I still wanna know how you got this sexy idea…but I'll wait for it. For now though, you up for another round?"

"…you are positively insufferable, Dean Winchester."

"Aww, I love you too, snookie!"

_**ooooooo**_

Sam whined at the rapid feeling of Lucifer filling him up completely. He grunted as he was roughly shoved into the wall, Lucifer stroking him up and down roughly. Vaguely he recognized the Devil muttering something into his ear, but was far too gone to comprehend it. "Fuck, Lu…" he shuddered as his head was roughly dragged back by Lucifer's spindly hand.

Lucifer scoffed into Sam's shoulder, bruising it effectively. " 'Lu'? Why Sam, if I weren't so radically aroused, I may have been offended." He grinned deviously, thrusting barely, ignoring Sam's pitiful moans.

"As if, _Lu."_ Sam squeezed his ass tightly, reveling in Lucifer's shaken, frustrated groans. "You'd love nothing more than for me to call you that over and over again. Now shut up…" he hurriedly grabbed at the Devil's hips, dragging him in deeply, "and _fuck me."_

Lucifer slurred, "I would be delighted to, Sam Winchester," and began to move.

_**ooooooo**_

"You told him to _jerk off?"_

"What?…it worked, if nothing else."

* * *

**1. 'Soggen' is so totally a word. BECAUSE I SAID SO, THAT'S WHY.**


End file.
